i got an answer

tonight i went into this feeling good
i still feel kinda good
it's hard not to let this bug me
so i will bring it to the Lord
i feel kinda at peace
you're going to make some girl SOO happy
the guys were right
it had to be done
i NEEDED an answer
i did...
but now i need to study...
and you are preventing that
i don't want to distance myself from you
i want to be around you more
but that's not what my heart needs
i'm trying to trust this to the Lord
it's better this way
i could have tried to distance myself
but i needed a definite NO
this way i don't have a choice
you're an amazing guy
your hugs make all things better
i could be having the crappiest day ever
and your hugs make them all go away
your voice makes me melt
such a gift from the Lord
your arms make me feel so safe
nothing can touch me
i am a daughter of the Lord
he made me special
the Lord is going to make the interviews
only the good ones will make it through
the only thing that matters is the Lord's approval
i will live my life FOR HIM
he's the only one i have to impress
HE will provide for me
again, he has an amazing plan for my life
and an AMAZING guy out there for me
i'm just waiting..

the usual

i come over to see you
you "scare" me
you keep your arms around my waist
i've never felt SO at home
then comes your best friend/ex-girlfriend
i see you guys arm in arm
you wanted to see her
i've never seen you light up so much
you said...
we'll never get back together
when asked why you said...
ask her
implying that you would if she wanted to
i felt like i was competing
then a friend told me who she was
i'm not competing for that
if that's what you want then you can have it
i'm totally content with that
you know i want what's best for you
but i'm also going to fight for what i want
i made a deal with tickles
he held up his side
now it's my turn...
i'm thinking it's time for a walk
you were so happy today
yet the other day you were so pissy
i don't know if i can deal with this pms
i want you
but that doesn't mean that's what the Lord wants
the Lord has this amazing plan for my life
with or without a companion
but right now...
i have tunnel vision.
you're the one i want
you're a huge flirt..
but i keep falling for you
harder and harder
i want to end this
here and now
if that's what the Lord wants
i want answers...
but i'm trying to wait
and i don't know what the Lord wants
should i let the Lord take care of it?
i think so...

clearing my mind again.

i can't get you out of my MIND
you're the main occupant
i want to tell you what happened but i can't
it's not fair to me to dwell on you so much
i want to dwell on the Lord
why do you make me so weak in the knees?
what is it about you that makes me smile constantly?
should i tell you all this?
i want to...
but i don't know if it's right timing
i feel like i'm competing with other people for you
i can't compete with those other girls
you're so sweet
you're exactly what i need/want
i just want to spend more and more time with you
you have a voice of an angel
it makes me melt
i have to take a deep breath every time i see you
i wish i saw you more often
i'm sorry this is clingy
i find you so cute
not like jump on top of you cute
but more like just so amazing cute
you're personality is what makes you cute
your hugs make EVERYTHING better
i want so much to just have answers and talk to you about this
i refuse to lose you
it is NOT an option
if you decide it's not right...
i'm ok with being friends!!
i want to talk to you
i hate when i text you and you don't text me back
i sit by my phone waiting for you to notice me
you look through me...
not AT me..
no..i'm the Lord's!
you have nothing on me.
the Lord is my strength.
i will WAIT for him
he will HELP me.
i just want to go on a walk with you
this isn't fair...
how do i tell you?
how do i say it?
when is the right time?

Lord i need your help...

i can't turn my mind off

i talked to some of my friends and i told them that i think too much and that i can't get over it or turn my mind off...here's what's swarming my mind lately.

i can't stop thinking about him
when they told me you were away for the weekend i couldn't help but assume it was to see another girl
i get jealous of people that get to see you and hang out with you
i miss you guys
i didn't want it to come down to this
i really wanted you all to meet my parents
your voice is such an amazing gift from the Lord
i feel so blessed to have you in my life
i don't know if i want the guys to talk to you or me
Lord, what am i doing?
i don't need confidence through a guy
You made me special
i just want to hug him for the rest of my life
there are so many thoughts up here
maybe i should just wait it out
i'm afraid the Lord is going to close that door
you're the first guy EVER to make me feel like this since my ex
you give me butterflies when i see you
i hold onto the hug that you give me until the next one
boys are not with being crazy about until they are crazy about us
i DESERVE to be pursued
God gave me you for the ups and downs
i don't want to depend on you until we are together
your hugs make EVERYTHING better
nothing can harm or even touch me when i'm in your arms
you're so much different than the guys i usually fall for...and less douchey
the only time my head stops spinning in circles around you is when i'm sleeping
i go to bed thinking about you and i wake up with you already in my mind
i'm sick of being HURT
i'm not a piece of ass
i don't want to take my anger and tiredness out on my girls
they deserve so much better than that
this pillow is really uncomfortable
wow...clarity, i wish you would come to me
i don't know what to do
i want answers so much!!!!
#1, i don't want to lose you...
i'm afraid of losing you
by my honesty or by my love
i will do ANYTHING to keep you...as a friend or whatever
i have many different advices..what does the Lord want?
i shall sleep on it and see in the morning.
i'm not who i want to be...i truly feel the Lord gave me you for a reason
what are these other feelings too?
the Lord has my own fairy tale in store..
i CAN'T wait to see it unravel
it's not about me...it's about everyone else
who's gonna take care of me?
the Lord will

this doesn't even attempt to touch all the things that i'm thinking about right now but as you can tell i have a lot of the boy on my mind...pray for me that i can have a clrear mind...i think i'm gonna talk to him this weekend hopefully.

what a change.

wow. i know that i just updated my blog but i had this awesome turn around in my life that is so amazing and i can't help but let you guys all know!!!

tonight i had a talk with one of my best guy friends and i ended up just laying it all out and being honest with him to tell him that i wasn't confident as much as i put a front on and that i had a crush on this guy but i don't feel good enough for him and i just needed some sort of advice. wow. the LORD was there and he helped us through that so much. He told my friend exactly what i needed to hear. he let me know that me not thinking that i'm not good enough or pretty is saying to God is kind of a "slap in the face" to him because i'm kinda saying that what he made was not enough for me. i didn't think of it like that AT ALL and when my friend said that i was just like..WOW! i just don't know even what to say. i'm so overjoyed and i was able to have my guy friend experience the awesomeness of giving this boy situation up for him and letting him be the one to deal with all this. i don't need a boyfriend to feel adequate. i don't need a guy to accept me and show me that i am unique. i am a child of God and i believe fully that the Lord has blessed me with many different gifts that i plan to use to the best of my ability for HIM!

i'm just so pumped about this. i feel so much less burdened and i feel like the Lord has taught me a great lesson tonight: 1. don't be afraid to open up, 2. he knows the plans of my life and my prince charming will come soon enough, 3. trust him because he has my back, 4. i have amazing friends that will help me to realize things i can't on my own.

THE LORD IS SOOOO GOOD!!!

the Lord in a box

Hey all!

this blog is mostly cause i haven't been on here in a really long time and i thought that it was time to share a little bit about my life with you. there are two main points that are going to be most of this blog.

1. this summer my life changed for the better. i was a leader at the FCA camp in Pella. it was the best experience of my life and i have grown so much spiritually from it. i have been able to have the courage to talk openly about my faith and how much God has blessed my life and how much we need to trust in him. i had a lot of coaching experience that the Lord was preparing me for this season when i'm going to be a volleyball coach at a middle school close to school. while we were at camp this summer i made some AMAZING friends and met some amazing people. while there though, there was an accident during camp that brought us to have a really hard last day. we knew that it was going to play some sort of role into the Lord's plan for us but it was just difficult to get through on the last day. the girls were asking questions and wanted every answer that was possible and we just didn't have it! i had never dealt first had with any kind of death for a while so that was when you want to have all the answers but can't! it was really difficult but we found out that it brought A LOT of kids to the Lord the next day. that was a really long time and i just knew that when i got done with camp that it was going to be hard to get back into the life of home cause i had family coming into town. i just can't believe how much that touched my life and has changed me for the better.

2. the other major thing that has happened in my life is the fact that i have had a hard time having all the self-confidence in the world. i put on a face that i have all the confidence in the world but in all reality i don't have any what so ever. anywho, i have always put my acceptance in the fact that i have had a boyfriend or have a had a guy like me and i guess I've really been struggling with that this summer. i had one really good prospect but he lives in Massachusetts and i would LOVE to date him cause he's so sweet but i just don't know. now that i'm at school there is someone that i really like. i kinda liked him last semester too and he's always given me the butterflies. he is just so sweet and he is soo freaking cute! he has blonde hair and sings like an angel. i mean, this voice makes me melt in a second. problem? we're friends..nothing more. people keep saying to be patient and that the Lord will make it happen if He wants to. but here's the deal, i have had this problem of putting God into this box that i think that i need to control or give God a hand. i don't know, i guess you could say i don't trust him fully. i have always had this thing that i don't really think that any guy would look at me. i think that every guy is looking through me. never at me and saying i look nice, but always right through me and thinking of me as the friend. i just don't know..

anyways, if you guys have any kind of advice let me know! i'd love to hear it. may the Lord watch over you guys!!! thanks.