the struggles of my heart

Wow...
here's what's sticking out to me the most lately...
i'm single..

i just went to a bachelorette party for one of my good friends
there were about 9 or 10 of us there
i was the only single one and the rest were engaged
it was soo rediculous
and it was hard not to let it get to me
i had a hard time putting on a smile and going about the time
there was one girl who WAS engaged and wasn't anymore
so there was wedding talk all around me
usually i don't have a hard time putting a smile on
no matter how hard it is,
but last night was really really hard
don't get me wrong
i am so happy for all of them
they're great girls and i wish the best for them
but FOR ONCE can i just answer a question with "yes"?
do you have a boyfriend?
for how long?
or even,
are you talking to anyone specific?

it's so hard to be patient
i know the Lord has got a plan
but sometimes i wish i knew the answers already
so that way i don't have to worry about being wanted
all the time!!!!
it gets tiring, and i'm starting to wear thin
maybe it's me
maybe I'M the problem with all this
i don't have a clue
me being the self-critical
i'm just going to say it's me
is there something wrong with my personality?
the way i look?
the way i act?

for ONCE in my life, i want to be pursued
i want a guy to FIGHT for me!!!
i want a guy to WANT me.
just once...
but instead...i sit and wait for this man to come along
i read books and they tell me i deserve to be pursued
i have yet to believe that
only time will tell

it's on his time now
it always has been
i read a book that said that we need to leave our cares with him
when we say we are giving them to him
GIVE THEM TO HIM
and leave them there with him
they said that there's no need to worry about the past
or the future, but to live in the present the Lord has given to us

the Lord is good
His love will endure forever

i ask you for prayers for this, it's a huge struggle with me right now
people are getting engaged around me left and right
all my friends at school have boyfriends
so that doesn't help either
i don't know what to do
but wait
so i will wait...
and while i'm waiting, i will serve Him

love you all,
Anna

updates updates updates

i have lots of updates
where to start...


boys
there's this guy
and he's super cute
i've only talked to him 
a couple times
but i just can't get him
off my mind
i know it sounds crazy
but i still have this feeling
i don't know what it is
it's indescribable
but i think there is a reason
he's in my life
he's going to do something
hopefully something good
i can't think about anyone else
my friend's boyfriend
knows him and is friends with him
he decided to talk to his roommate
about me and find out what's up
his roommate talked to him
and he said he would talk to him
later he said he mentioned me
supposedly, the boy said he knew me
but didn't know me that well
he knew of me though
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!
i don't know what the roommate
said to him to "mention" me
but i hope that it was good?
he's popping up
in places that i don't expect
i feel like the Lord
has placed him in these
random places on purpose
there HAS to be a reason
plus, the Lord
would not put this passion
in my heart for no reason
that's what my friend
keeps telling me over and over
when i doubt
funny story,
i have a "magic 8 ball"
as a part of my sidebar
it's the same as any other one
you ask it a question
and it answers with something
i asked if this guy is going
to pursue me
and it said "yes"
then i asked if he thought about me
it said "absolutely"
i feel stupid bringing this up
cause i just feel dumb
i feel like i just sound like one
of those girls who are totally obsessed


life
lately i have been surrounded
by couples everywhere
my friends all have boyfriends
or they are engaged
scenario #1
last night we went to a movie
when we got there my friends
said they had other friends
coming too but they
were bringing their gf/bf
typical...
once again
i was the odd one out
it's coming to summer
and i'm getting sick of this
couple thing because i don't
presently have someone
scenario #2
my best friend
has a bridal shower tomorrow
she asked me to go
when i told her i didn't know
about it, she said it is
a COUPLES' shower
there are going to be couples
everywhere...
i feel like i should go for her
but i just don't want to be odd one
AGAIN
everyone has a special someone
except me
it's so hard to be strong
in the midst of all this
but the Lord is giving me
strength to plow through
i need a sob fest..
pronto...


love you all!
thanks for keeping strong
and helping me vent
praying for you all
<3

[insert title]

well...
it's the end of the school year
it's dead week
so ready for it to be over
i was just home for a little
tulip time break
it was perfect timing
because during that weekend
it was also mother's day
so i got to be with my mom
for mother's day
i don't really have any updates
just trying to keep my head
above and stay alive
it's been busy
i promise i will update more
later when i have the time
this was kind of a pointless
blog but it had to happen
thanks for listening!
love you all
praying for you

this dirty funk

today was one of those days
i was in a funk most of the day
sitting around watching proposals
looking them up on youtube
thinking about how i can't wait
till that is me in the position
there were some who said no
and some who said yes
it was interesting
to see all the various
cute ways men popped the question
some were really cheesy
but some were really romantic
all i could think about
is how much i can't wait
to be in that situation
i got a little scared
cause i am afraid it will never happen
but tonight as i was eating with my friend
she told me this great thing
"the Lord would not give you that passion
if he wasn't going to fulfill it"
i do have a passion
to find my "prince charming"
and to share my life with him
i just can't wait
it was crazy though
cause i couldn't even imagine
a certain boy being the one
usually i can,
but not this time
this time was a lot different
i have options yes
but i just don't even know where
to start with all this
i feel it's so much easier
to trust the LORD with all of it
it's hard but that quote helped a lot
she was told it from a friend
and passed it on to me
it could not have been better timing
the LORD is good
i know he will provide
he would not torture me
he would not put us through
more heartbreak intentionally


one positive in my life lately
is i was asked to talk to the ms
girls at my alma mater
she asked me to give her a little 
e-mail about purity and any insight
i had and i sent it to her but the Lord
moved her to talk about something else
and then she asked me to talk
to them directly when i come home
i have never been more excited
just another example
the LORD has a reason
for everything
it's because of the heartbreak
from the past relationship
that i am able to pass on 
my knowledge to make the girls'
minds sharper and more aware


once again,
the LORD is good
hope this finds you all well
have a splendid week!
feliz semana
praying for you all
love you all!!!

here's the sitch

i know it's been a while
figure it's time to update ya'll
two major things


today i was at my friend's work
she works at a coffee shop
i always go visit her every day
anyways,
she's told me about this old guy
he is a regular
and he is sooo sweet
i have met him once before
but today i actually go to sit down
and talk to him about life
he told me about this book he's reading
and how much he loves it
he recommended other books
and told me about how beautiful they were
it was so refreshing to talk to him
he has such a great outlook on life
and i hope i can learn from him
he is so sweet
and lives each day of life to the fullest
after i talked to him
my friend came home
she said he has cancer...skin cancer
i wanted to cry
this old man who had just told me
how great life is 
might be passing on to a better life soon?
then i realized
i cared for this old man
it made me think of my dad
and how much i don't want him to ever
reach this old age
yes i want him to be with me
for the rest of my life
i can't imagine my life without him
this old man has been such a blessing
he made me realize how fortunate i am
and how much i should be thankful for
the Lord has blessed me
with health and great family and friends
and MANY other things
it was kind of a shake back to reality
i hope i am like that man
in his personality
and outlook on life
he's such an angel


wow, boys
there's two closer to home
and two closer to here
the two at home are old friends
well kind of
one is a fellow leader from camp last year
and one was babysat by my aunt when little
we used to play there together
the two here are newer friends
one is my best friend's fiance's twin brother
the other is a friend from class
if i had to pick one
which one would i pick?
the one from class
he's so sweet
and he seems like the perfect guy for me
totally my type and would be a great match
the only downside is age and pasts..
he just recently got out of a relationship
i don't know how long
but she moved here from jersey
in order to be closer to him
so it must have been pretty serious...
then they broke up during the weekend
and she had moved back by the time
i talked to him on monday
we are in class every day
and we are just acquaintences
but before they broke up
he had asked me to help him out
and asked my advice about them
i didn't know them
and we weren't on that level..
i didn't think...
but then that monday
when he came to me
he looked down
and i knew he needed a hug
so i gave him one and asked
about his weekend
i knew instantly that was a bad question
to ask him
he told me the short version
and i haven't asked since then
but since i see him every day
we have texted EVERY DAY
he's given me various hints
or what i think are hints
to flirting and i don't know what to do
everyone i talk to says
i'm not over analyzing or imagining it
they said if i was they would tell me
so i don't really know what to do
i'm just waiting for the Lord to
either shut the door or open it wider
what to do...
here's a huge factor to it
he's 27
that's older than my brother
he's also the oldest
so that means he has siblings
around my age...
things would be totally different
if we weren't in college
but with him getting his masters
and me getting my bachelor's
it just doesn't seem right?
i don't know what to do...
just trusting the Lord with it all
praying he will help me out
and make the answer clear


i'm praying you all are well
and hope this finds you in good spirits
peeeace and blessings!!!

i deserve the best

Well,
it's been a while
but i'm still here
there are various things
to update you on
jobs
i have been freaking out
because i'm getting low on money
it's been hard
so recently i've been
frantically looking for a job
and i think i may have one
but i won't know till tuesday
i have applied for a tutoring job
and i think i might get it
i visited the family today
and they seem very nice
the girl seems kinda shy
but her mom said she liked me
so we are praying that comes through
also on tuesday
i have a job interview
for helping out on campus
with intramurals at night
another job i would LOVE to have
so we are hoping all the prayer
is helping and the Lord will
bless me with a job soon
i also plan on giving plasma
there is a clinic
here by campus
so hopefully i can get there
the beginning of March
boys
i have decided
i'm not in any hurry
to find the man of my dreams
and there's plenty of time
it's been kinda nice
i've been too focused on money
for me to worry about men
:)
i have not been talking to that boy
i go over there
but i haven't been talking to him
i think i can tell it's different
when i talked to him after class
he told me he got another gig
and i think he expected me to ask
right away when and where it was
but i didn't and i think it through him off
i'm not going to his concert
he is opening
for a Christian singer
yes i would LOVE to go
but i can't
i'm not allowing myself to go
there is no reason to torture myself
yes i do have a crush
on the drummer of the band
but i will not go cause i need to get over
the other boy first
it is a must
that is all the updates i have
i hope this finds you all well
praying for you all!

ground zero

well,
i was feeling great
went over to the guys today
it was the first time
i've gone over there
and hoped he WASN'T there
i wanted to avoid him
like the plague
i went over there
thinking i'm going to ignore him
but half knowing i wouldn't be able to
so i went over there
he came to me
i did not do anything
i ignored him
he left
then he came back
he came to me
i felt like i was doing so good
then he started flirting
wrestling
things FRIENDS don't do
so it was time for me to bug
so i bugged him non stop
he was going to get sick  of me
for some reason
he kept saying
he was leaving for GVSU for the night
my guess is to see the guys in his band
i was actually relieved to hear it
it was time for him to leave
i had talked to my roommate about it
last night
and she said to be careful
cause i would regret it later
she's right
apparently we can't be friends
i talked to one of my guys
he said it was possible
he said he would get other outside advice
then if so
i should talk to him
after i had decided not to
the Lord has a plan
he knows what it's going to be
he's got it all under control
pray for this please!!
pray all is well with you all

a change in plans

this morning
i woke up
to a great article
it was about boy/girl friendships
i got it on facebook
from a really good friend from home
it was filled with LOTS of incite
and had great advice
about boy/girl friendships
i will attach it at the end
in order to spread the knowledge
i read it to my roommates today
and they said every part of it
is an exact description of me and him
i had class today with him
and i didn't sit by him
OR say hi
it was sooo hard
but i did it through the Lord's strength
he helped me to ignore
and to avoid him all together
after class
i was talking to a friend on the path
then he went past and play kicked me
WHILE SINGING
and i didn't say anything
i just punched him in the arm
and moved on
i want to thank my friend
you are super sweet
and it's because of your article
that i have decided i'm done
if he wants to be my friend
he can SHOW me that
but until then i'm doing my own thing
i have guys who say they will
be my friends and WILL be my friends
they are there for me
and will be my friends
they talk me through boy things
they care about me
instead of caring just about themselves
it's not fair
for me to compare him to others
but they look better in my eyes..
so it's hard not to
but now i have decided
i'm not going to talk to him
he can come to me
we will be friends when
he decides to BE a friend
pray the Lord keeps me strong


here's the article from my friend:
Quite a few young women have expressed frustration to me about the “politics of guy friendships”, wishing that they could simply shrug off all concern and enjoy the same closeness with their guy-friends that they share with their female friends. But even though you might feel a close connection with a guy friend, it’s important to stay guarded in both your thoughts and your actions toward him. It is all too easy, especially for girls, to begin giving away the kind of intimacy and affection that is meant to be saved for your future spouse. It’s more than possible to enjoy close guy friendships without violating the sacredness of your future marriage relationship – but it doesn’t happen by accident. It takes prayer, focus, and help from the Spirit of God.


Ask the Spirit of God to be your guide – if you submit your every thought, action, and conversation to Him, He will guide and direct you; offering caution when it is needed and giving you freedom when it is needed.


Before my relationship with Eric ever began, I developed close friendships with several godly young men. Up until then, most of my interaction with the opposite sex had been flirtatious, teasing, based on physical attraction, the challenge of getting a guy’s attention, or the hope of a romantic fling developing. But once I gave God the “pen” of my love story, I made a decision not to pursue guys in that way and to put a stop to the flirtatious relationships I had become so used to. I wasn’t sure how to have a healthy, Christ-focused friendship with a guy. I prayed that God would show me His pattern. I found that the first step was entering into friendships with like-minded young men; young men who were not primarily focused on the opposite sex, but on Jesus Christ. I hadn’t met many young men that fell into that category, but as I prayed about it, God began to bring a small handful of them into my life. Instead of teasing, joking, and flirting when we were together, we spent time encouraging each other spiritually and discoursing about God’s Word. They truly became like brothers to me, pointing me continually toward Christ and not toward themselves.


In reality, a guy/girl friendship – especially one that is not headed toward marriage – is not meant to become as intimate and close as other friendships, no matter what kind of “connection” you may feel. Once God brings your future spouse into your life, your one-on-one friendships with the opposite sex will need to diminish, being replaced by “couple friendships” instead. And it is far less painful to make that transition when deep, personal, intimate friendship bonds have not been forged.


If there is a possibility in your mind that a friendship with a member of the opposite sex might end up as something more, it is still wise to be careful until you know for sure. God is perfectly capable of nudging a relationship forward in His own time and way. But in the meantime, the best thing you can do is to live as if your heart, mind, and body still belong to someone else.


i pray you are all doing well

a little dramatic

so...
i went over to talk to him
this past saturday like i planned
i was all hyped up
ready to talk to him
looking all cute
then
i got there
but he wasn't there
so i asked the guys where he went
they said he was with some chick
a girl he wants to date
but won't date him
(insert knife)
so i texted him
asked him where he was
told him i was there to see him
and he wasn't there
he said he was in another dorm
giving a mini concert over there
so i said to myself
if you are with this girl
you're giving her a personal concert?
after i had told him
singing and guitar were our thing
wow..
(turn knife)
so i told him i was "mad"
and that we were "in a fight"
then he said
i look forward to fighting with you
and i know he's a wrestler with me
so then i didn't know how to take that
(take out knife)
so then i leave for the night
come back later looking for a friend
he's in his room
i don't know if the girl is in there
but i WASN'T about to find out
i walk past a few times
nothing
(insert knife)
so i walk into the room
talk to the friend
then leave
what comes next?
a text from him
he said he heard me in the hall
but now i'm gone
why didn't he get to see me?
so i tell him i'm on my way back
but he's already gone on his way home
so i call him
he says he will be back late sunday
so i figure i'll see him sometime this week
then i realize we have class together
tuesday and thursday
(take out knife)
finally,
tonight i'm talking to my old roommate
she is telling me about this guy
who screwed her over royally
he was super nice to her
then was a douche to her
his name?
dan arnson...
what?! WHAT?! WHHAAAAAT?!
so i take that as some sort of sign
i feel like it can't be any more obvious
so i have the plan
to talk to him sometime this week
i'm hoping to get it all out there
in a joking matter
so no one feels pressured
or put in the spotlight
no fighting
no serious talk
just goofing around/seriousness
i'll jokingly ask him why he did that
what his feelings are
and then confront him
tell him to back off
this needs to happen
i pray the Lord gives me the strength
to pull through with this
please pray for this week

the tears that never come

ever have those times
when you are on the verge
but can't produce tears?
yeah...
it's one of those times
i've been struggling
cause i had a friend
who i was falling for
so i decided to go for it
and i told him i did
he said he didn't see anything
right now...
so i back off and we stayed friends
but lately,
it's been flirting with me
i've been questioning what he wants
tonight
he had a concert
he knows that i love his singing
and i think he's super talented at guitar
we decided to make a fans club
right in front of him
he kept singing DIRECTLY at me
the thing that confuses me
i told him and he knows i like him
but he still flirts with me!!
that's not fair
at all
do i talk to him?
the one thing stopping me
is i have class with him tuesday and thursday
so i have to see him after i do talk to him
i really want to talk to him
i want to clear the air and know
i need some help!!
please keep me in your prayers
i think i'm going to have the talk with him saturday
it needs to happen..
thanks!!

weight loss

so i just started doing

nutrisystem

it's the greatest thing

i've ever tried

they send me enough

food for a month

and it's so easy

because i'm able to make it and go

they are quick little meals

and they taste better than medifast

i love this system

normally i'm not much of a cook

so i'm all about the quick meals

they are easy

put in the microwave

quick little meals

ahh! i love them

i would recommend it

to anyone out there looking

for a real diet

you should try this

i feel better about myself

i'm not afraid to walk around in my bra

i don't feel as self-conscious

it's sooooo great!

also, i've been doing

the jillian michaels workout videos

it's sad that weight loss

is what takes the self-confidence boost

but i do feel better

i've been learning to drink more water

in various different ways

and it cleans out my system

enough to quicken the process

i can't wait for spring break

hopefully it's warm enough

to take my nephew to the pool

and to get a good tan

on the other hand,

i have been applying for jobs

left and right

still hanging and waiting

i'm on the phone

with a potential

i hope to get a job soon

i'm getting desperate

and i want to find a serving job

i would actually

like a coaching job

but none of those are to be found

so i'm resorting to as many

waitressing jobs i can

please please please!

i ask for your prayer as i keep searching

hoping the Lord brings me to

a good job soon!

thanks all!!!!!

God bless.

a best friend?

today i found out

my best friend is in a relationship

see this best friend is different

from any other best friend

he is closer than a best friend

he calls me his little sister

you see we have this pact

if neither of us are married by 25

we are going to get married

our parents are friends

we don't have to worry about

meeting the parents

i have dinner at his house sometimes

and my parents love him

it is perfect

here's the problem

he is at UNI

i am in michigan

we are miles and miles apart

and now he's in a relationship

i talked to him tonight

he said he's really happy

i WANT to be happy for him

but it's hard when

the jealous monkey is all over me

i hate it

sometimes

i secretly wish we could fast forward

to 4 years from now

i am just so comfortable with him

i can be me and not be judged

his family is like my family

it's amazing

i just hope it will never change

when he gets a wife

i pray for him and he is happy

sometimes i just wish

he was happy with me : )

here is what's on my mind

he's great and the Lord has a plan

man pursue woman

i've been feeling really good lately

here's why!

i have decided to

give my relationship worries

to the LORD

one night i was just sick of it all

and the worry was making me sick

also it's making me tired

i'm ready to give it up

i know the Lord has someone

amazing out there for me

he's going to be mine

i can't wait to find the man of my dreams

and one day he will come to me

i deserve to be pursued

every girl deserves to be pursued

i know no one likes rejection

but all the girls out there in the world

deserve to have their prince charming

find them and come to their rescue

the next morning

i got a Bible verse on my phone

here's what the Lord said

"in God's wise plan, when you married,

the two of you became one person in his sight."

Malachai 2:15

after reading this

i knew i had nothing to worry about

knowing i can trust the Lord

with anything

it is very reassuring

and puts me at peace

thank you Lord!!

hope you're all having a good week

and have a good weekend!!!

till next time

God's love